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10 things I hate about Paan addicts
- They always have one in their mouth. It’s like they can’t breathe without one in their mouth. The paan is their version of fish gills.
- Their red paan stained teeth. Seriously, I shudder whenever they laugh and I get a glimpse of their teeth and whatever God forsaken gunk is left over when they finish their paan. It’s like no one told them about the toothbrush being invented.
- Their attempt to converse with you whilst their mouth is full of paan and a litre of paan juice. I CANT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!! It’s like your gargling with blood in your mouth!! Gahh you are SPRAYING paan juice everywhere, CLOSE YER MOUTH ALREADY!!!!
- You will always find that their clothes have a paan stain somewhere or the other. If you can’t spot one it’s because the clothes are new or their paan wala hasn’t opened his shop yet.
- Now this one does not always happen but some of the more inexperienced paan eaters always seem to have some paan juice leaking from the corners of their mouth. And if they are pale enough they manage to pull off the vampire-just-fed look which just pisses me off after twilight ruined vampires.
- The fact that when leaving a wedding the entrance/exit is usually crowded because the paan wala is surrounded by paan addicts who need their fix. And you can’t push pass them because they spent more than an hour without a paan in their mouth and they are bloody dangerous at the moment.
- Their unholy multitasking abilities. According to them Tea + paan = good, Food + paan = flavor much improved, cigarette + paan = life is good, paan + paan = EPIC!!!
- Their nasty red spit! It’s like they need to mark the surrounding area to show they have been there. Hardly a day goes by without me seeing men lean out car doors and shower the road red while idling at a signal. THEY WANT TO PAINT THE WHOLE CITY RED!!
- Their insensitivity to where they spit. I’ve seen people get showered with paan juice spit from windows of apartments and speeding buses.
- The No spitting sign is always covered with paan spit! They do it on purpose to SPITE ME!!!
Ok now for round 2!!
Cats! CATS!!!! I frigging hate their guts! And let me elaborate below:
1. They are too GODDAMN curious!!
You show them something that they think is fun or mysterious and they go ballistic. It’s like a part of their tiny stupid brain shuts off while they try to catch said object. Try shining a laser pointer in front of them and they will try to catch it with utter disregard to their safety. I have personally seen them run into walls head on or jump directly into water which we all know cats hate.
Let me tell you a funny story then. I live on the first floor of my apartment and one day while climbing down the stairs saw a cat lying on this opening we have on the stairwell between two floors. Since I had a bit of a cold, I let off a whopper of a sneeze due to which the cat jumped off the opening to the ground which was like 15 feet below. Call me evil but I loled hard at that.
I am an asthmatic and have triggers like dust, smoke, etc. One of my triggers is CAT FUR! And despite this ladies and gents my younger brother and my mother insist on keeping the Siamese cat they bought 2 years ago. I know the cat is cuter than me (disputable but for the sake of the argument..) and can be coerced into acting like its high on cocaine without giving it some but does it mean more to you than my health!! *sigh* of course it does. I hope my future wife hates cat!!
3. Sleeping habits
Other than the fact that they sleep as much as a heroin junkie, the problem I have is that the cats sleep in places that boggle the mind. I have seen cats sleep in the middle of the parking lot and/or street and no amount of honking your car horn will get them to move. The only way is to get out and kick it out of the way. The cat my family has at home sleeps like someone killed it and threw its corpse on the floor where it lies in a weird position. It sleeps in front of my room hugging my door and every night when I get up to go get a drink of water, I just manage not to step on it and kill it(I wish). After kicking it out of the way(by kicking I mean shoving it out of the way with my foot) many times, it now sleeps where ever the hell it wants to. Smack dab in the middle of the kitchen, hugging the main door and so on. Every place where it makes it hard to go about for me then that is where it will sleep.
4. The content faces
Simply put the last thing I want to see when I get home after a shitty day at work is the cat sleeping with a look of contentment right in front of my door. It takes all of my control not to throw a glass of water on its face just to wipe that expression off!
One redeeming value that cats have is in my opinion the lol cat internet meme which is all teh rage these days. Here are some that I liked which are kind of like off shoots of lol cats.
Before I go I leave you with a poll to see how many of you guys like/hate cats!
P:S – While googling for the images above I found this image which vastly improved my mood and still makes me laugh. Enjoy.
As a practising Muslim I try hard to keep my temper in check and succeed most of the time. The trick is to imagine yourself kicking the hell out of the person responsible for said act of rage. But that trick is easily made futile by some people who manage to piss you off more than you thought possible. Listening to such people is almost certain to increase your blood pressure, give you splitting headaches and/or give you muscle cramps from when you continuously flex n unflex them in hopes of beating the crap out of them. I personally feign uninterest or boredom till they leave me alone but it helps if I sometimes imagine myself punching them in the face. But what I seriously want to do then is to bash my head on something hard so I lose consciousness and don’t spend another moment listening to their drivel or in their company. And so begins a series of blog posts of what and who piss me off, starting with…
1. Those window washing children at traffic signals
Ok, I admit some of them are pretty decent as they signal to you, walking up to your car, whether you want them to clean your windscreen. They go away if you say “No” or show them the finger( both work fine really). BUT the rest of them don’t bother asking you whether you want your windscreen washed. They just walk up, slap their wet squeegee on the windscreen and start cleaning while you repeatedly honk your car horn, scream NO obscenely loud or show them the finger. Doesnt make a bit of difference to them really as they ignore you until their work is done or until you turn the wipers on and/or jump out of the car to stop them. But anyway after stopping they walk up to you and start demanding payment for unneeded services rendered. Yes, even if you tried to stop them physically then as soon as you sit back in the car they waltz up with a smirk and hold out their hands for payment.
Infact my arguments with them usually go like so..
Cheeky window washing girl(CWWG): “Payment.”
Me: “For what?!”
CWWG: “Um cleaning your windscreen.”
Me: “Did I tell you to do that? Did I?”
CWWG: “Well its done now anyway so pay me.”
Me: “Listen you little devil! I wouldn’t pay you if you cleaned my arse for all that matters. Get lost!”
Now I start rolling up my window signalling the end of this brief argument when the CWWG leans over and slaps her squeegee on the windscreen and runs away leaving it a soapy, sudsy mess. Before I can even open my mouth to let the flood of obscenities spill forth, the traffic signal turns green and I with my face red with rage am forced to drive away cursing that little turd! And if that wasnt enough then let me tell you that they don’t differentiate between a clean and dirty windscreen, they are all fair game to them and if you are lucky then they might be using clean water because most of the time the water is a nasty shade of brown. Just imaging this happening when you stop at the signal on your way back from getting your car cleaned and polished. If you don’t end up punching the steering wheel in anger or jumping our of the car to throttle the life out of them the you my fine fellow are a wuss!!!
The rest soon to follow inshAllah.
The N-Gage! I remember when I bought this mobile it was because I was hooked on the novel concept of gaming on the go on my cellphone. Before I finally got around to buying it; I googled like crazy to find out where I could get the games online and found some mirc channels where I could get some. This mobile helped me through some tough times as it was when I had this mobile that I kept flunking in my exams and earning the anger and disappointment from my family. I remember playing rayman and tombraider on it a lot. One thing that irked me a lot was that you had to hold the mobile sideways to talk and that always earned me some amused looks from people when they saw me. Nevertheless I sold this mobile of mine to a friend for a couple of thousand rupees after a year or so I think.
My next mobile the Nokia 6630 was one of my favourites and one that I enjoyed using immensely. The camera was 1.3 Megapixels and that was fairly high end as 2 megapixel mobiles were just on the horizon then. Infact I had this phone when I was going for a 10 day trip to swat and I took a ton of pictures and videos with this phone and they turned out pretty good. Since it had a bigger screen than most mobiles in that age; I used to convert and store anime series and movies on the memory card so I could easily pass the time when the load shedding started. I remember watching one after I had my nose operated on , to fix a blocked nostril, and it helped me pass the time wonderfully. Greed got the better of me though as when I learned of the Nokia 6680 with its led flash; I went and gave my mobile to a guy I knew at a local game shop. He ended up gambling all my money away and I found out about that after finally getting pissed off at being yanked around for weeks that I stood at the shop for a few hours till his boss finally came clean about what might have happened. In the end his boss ended up paying me what I was owed but I still was short of a couple of thousand for the 6680.
What can I say about this phone of mine. Well it was not as good as I expected and was my first windows mobile. But the reason I don’t know much about this mobile because I did not have this mobile for long. It was during the monsoon season that it rained so heavily that the whole city was flooded. I remember that the KPT underpass was fully flooded and many cars were floating around in there too. The whole 3 swords area was so badly flooded that many underground parking areas of apartments were full to the brim with floodwater. It was during that time that my late brother and me tried going to the Clifton Meezan Bank and I was scared silly cause if my brother took his foot of the pedal we would be stuck in waist high flood water. Water had started seeping through the door by the time we parked the car somewhere high enough to get out to check if the atm at the bank was open or not. It was at this fateful moment that an army truck rammed into the footpath near me resulting in a big wave that succeeded in filling my car with dirty floodwater. I began shouting obscenities at the driver who countered with a valid argument that. See the place was so flooded that it looked like a small lake with no signs of footpaths and such so anyone who was not a regular visitor of that area would not know where the footpaths were and were not. So what happened to my mobile was that I foolishly took it along with me and during the drive it slipped out of my pocket and fell by my feet and I did not notice it. It was swept under the seat by the huge army truck generated wave when I opened my door and I did not find out about my mobile till later when I found it, after searching high and low, lying in a puddle of dirty water under the seat. It was completely ruined and had no chance of being repaired so I was without a mobile phone and trying my best to not be too disappointed too much. It would be a few months before I got around to acquire a new mobile as my dad was pissed at my stupidity and was not going to buy me a new one just yet.
I am a sucker for new shiny and ground breaking technology. I get this absurdly powerful yearning to acquire whatever it is but most often don’t do so because of the price tags. It was the same when I wanted to buy a new 8MP mobile phone, the same when I wanted a PS3, the same when I wanted an itouch and the same when I wanted a full HD capable LCD to play my ps3 games on. Needless to say by the grace of God I was able to purchase all these and continue to immensely enjoy them. So it should come as no surprise that when Samsung organized their exhibition at PAF museum; I was hopeful that they would showcase 3D technology too. Imagine my surprise when I found out that they were in fact going to. It was 4pm (1 hour before quitting time) when I found out and I could feel the impatience and giddiness bubbling up inside me so I convinced a good friend of mine to tag along and left the office early.
One other good reason for hurrying was that although the exhibition opened at 3pm and there was a strike that day; people in Karachi ALWAYS come out at night especially on a saturday even if there is a strike which pretty much ends in the evening anyway. So when we reached the exhibition I looked for the 3D tech stall and found it manned by a shiny blue and silver sari wearing woman by the name of Alisha, who said I remind her of her friend ‘Bob’ oh-k, and a dude who controlling the TV with an iphone app(poor guy was not given a remote). After greeting them I proceeded to wear the glasses, after punching a guy in the gut and snatching his pair of 3D glasses, and start my first ever 3D experience (that too on the 8mm thin series 9 LED)! And let me tell you the experience was unparalleled! I used to think HD was the next big thing but how wrong I was as 3D quite clearly in the undisputed winner.
After that we went to check out the mini-theater demo area where they showed many small video clips showcasing the power of 3D. There were clips of monsters vs aliens, nature shows and other stuff. I swear I was slack-jawed the entire time and during a scene where the crowd was cheering and confetti was falling, I held out my hand as it felt the confetti was falling infront of me and I could catch it. I was not the only one enjoying it as my friend grabbed my leg in shock when the paddle ball scene from monsters vs alien showed up as it felt as if the ball was going to smack us in the face.
One of the problems with explaining how 3D tech works is that you can’t do so so easily. But I will still give it a shot with the help of this Samsung advert has been airing since a few days. Samsung managed to reproduce the 3D effect that you get with the glasses perfectly using computer graphics in this ad. The 3D effects can be seen everytime they show it but is most easily seen in these three moments. At about 0:24 when the popcorn scene shows up, at 0:51 when the moonwalk scene shows up and the butterfly scene near the end. Notice the depth? You can actually gauge the depth of the room and the distance of the popcorn and the walls, same with the moonwalk scene where the astronauts are so close, the probe a little further and the mountains in the distance.
The technical aspect of how 3D works is as follows (copied from the Samsung LED product page at Amazon.com)
How it Works
Our eyes are spaced apart from each other, which means our left and right retinas see objects at slightly different angles. In real life, the brain merges these two images into a single three-dimensional image. To recreate this experience of depth on television, a 3D TV will display two separate but overlapping images of the same scene simultaneously, and at slightly different angles as well. One image is intended for the left eye, the other for the right. A pair of Active Glasses helps viewers perceive the two 2D images as one 3D image.
These glasses use a shutter technique to quickly block the left eye, and then the right, in sync with the TV which itself is alternating left and right images rapidly. This is fast enough that the brain perceives no gaps. The glasses help the mind merge the two images into one, creating a 3D effect and offering a deep, immersive experience.
I dont know when they will announce the price of these TV’s here in Pakistan but I do know that they will cost a LOT. As to get the 3D effect you need
1. A 3D LED tv
2. 3D shutter glasses
3. A Blu-ray player or a PS3
So they inflate the price by a lot. Anyway before leaving the exhibition we were asked to say something about the exhibition for a TV channel. I gushed about 3D in English while my friend speculated about the price in Urdu and it was later we found out that the ‘Raavi’ channel is all Punjabi so im guessing they cut us or me at least. By the time we left it was getting quite crowded and we could see more people heading towards the exhibition which made me silently thank God that we were able to experience 3D without the crowds.
Many of you will have noticed that I have not updated me blog in a bloody long while and the reason for that is either Writers block or pure mundanity.
See when something interesting happens I write about it, that is when my brain starts firing off good ideas and funny quips come to mind in a flash. But I am plain bored with the mundanity of my life these days. I have made it bareble only by keeping myself busy and hope to hold out till the 27th of sep. Because on the 27th of Sep my classes of the University of London External LLB program will start at Szabist and I can’t wait. Its been 2 years since I stopped studying for the ACCA and I never realized that life was so damn boring without a goal in mind. That and the fact that I never knew how mundane working life can be especially when dealing with Govt officials. What with their constant whining and grovelling and atrocious english although the latter is humourous most of the time. It gets so bad sometimes that I end up in the doldrums and just the thought of strolling down the Custom house’s musty paan stained corriders in search of some official who hopefully will stop acting like an ass for a second to listen to me has me muttering curse words till I tire.
I am at my funniest when my life is not so mundane and my life is MUNDANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I know that? I tried writing a dozen blog posts but all of them ended up being crappy. I still try each day but damn it all to hell I need to have FUN! I guess you could say that social interactions with friends have reached an all time low and fun factor is non-existant. Maybe next week will be better as my elder brother is due back at the office after his month long exam break and he certainly makes me laugh.
p.s – One other thing makes my day too. Its my one year old little sister. Just the thought of going home and watching her eyes light up when she sees me enter through the door(prompting her to begin her awkward crawl towards me so I can pick her up) fills me with impatience for the clock to strike 5 which it almost is about to so adios.
I hate crows. They are one of the rudest birds I know. See pigeons maybe known as ‘rats with wings’ but they are dumb as hell, what with all the crashing into windows and going into heat just by looking at its own reflection. But crows are smarter and more deserving of being called ‘rats with wings’. Infact Crows top my list of ”Animals whose extinction I would not mind list’ right at the top with pigs and cats. Maybe its just the crows living in Karachi that are so ‘Harami’ but I can’t be certain of that. See crows and I go way back till the time when I was 10 and a crow shat on my shoulder. A couple of more instances of crow shit (total 4 I think) and 1 hit and fly(that’s when they fly close and attack you with their claws and fly away) also some dozens of missed hits and flys later my hatred of crows was blazing furiously. Every where I go the crows make my life miserable like such as when I go for a swim in the early hours of the morning ALL the crows are busy drinking water from the pool (I go to a club to swim and the pool is outdoors). Trying to swim peacefully is out of the question as the crows somehow get pissed off at me and after every minute or so they try to do a hit and fly leaving my no choice but to swim underwater most of the time. Thankfully they all fly away once a few people arrive to swim. Anyway I digress
Rainy days get me down when I spend them at home so I try to keep myself busy with video games,books and whatnot. This time I had decided to collect rainwater so I would blog about how it tasted. So while walking back home in the afternoon; it started raining heavily and I jogged home (Thank God for the gym) to get some bowls and put them on the roof.
I was thinking of waiting there on the roof while the bowls filled up but wouldn’t ya know it, the downpour had turned to a drizzle and a bit of a chilly wind had started blowing. So I went to take a shower and change out of my wet clothes. Had I known what would have happened; I would have stayed there. See when I went back to the roof, to check the progress, there was a very wet looking crow sitting near the two bowls I had placed. We stared at each other for a second before I realized what the whole scene meant. I hurried to the bowls to find one (green one) with a little clear water and the other (metallic) with bubbles in the water. Doesnt take a genius to figure out which one the crow drank out off.
Anyways I did manage to take a picture of the bast-err umm crow as it sat perched on a nearby tree.
Well there was enough rainwater in the green bowl to fill a small glass so that is what I did.
It tasted like………..peppermint. That was a surprise since I have had rainwater before (collected some in Ramadan for breaking my fast) and it tasted pure, clean, mineral enriched and certainly did NOT of peppermint. Which led me to conclude that…
The bastard crow drank out of both bowls (probably gargled and spit the water back in the metallic bowl hence the bubbles). Well I never give up that easily thank God so I waited for the cyclone to arrive and prepared 3 larger bowls to use. Alas the cyclone never came (it made landfall away from the city) and I never got the chance to drink rainwater. Maybe next time I will have better luck and doubly so if I poison all the crows in my area………….just kidding ppl relax. Anyway I did manage to snap a picture of a rainbow using my N86 while having tea with friends at a restaurant (dhaba @ delawala) .
And here are a few more pictures I took.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
I still recall when my elder brother and I were handed down the responsibility of buying the weekly provisions of fruits and vegetables. My mother had convinced my father to do so citing the reason that we were old enough ,and my father not young enough, to shoulder the responsibility. Well that pretty much settled it and off we siblings were on a weekly journey to the Sunday Bazaar continuing to this day. At first we alternated the trips meaning one week the two elder siblings (Obaid and I) and the other two younger (Abdullah aka Doctor and Abdur Rehman aka Abher). But soon Abher went to study in Dubai and the duty was ours once again (yaay?). Anyway it is a wonderous and dangerous place where one can find everything from groceries to undergarments to books. Its……what……Makro? No, it’s not Makro! Let me finish. It’s a place where people of all ages, people from all walks of life, rich and poor can be found. Its……..WHAT IS IT THIS TIME!?!?………..what?….Jumah……Friday bazaar? No, it’s not that place either. Patience my friend. Finding a place to park your car over there seems impossible sometimes. Its………..NO NOT SADDAR!! Its Sunday Bazaar!!!
*ahem* Anyway before I digress let’s get on with the post. Yes, you can find anything at Sunday bazaar. But not like real jewellery or cars or cellphones obviously. The pictures are of the newly constructed Sunday Bazaar which DHA must have figured out was way overdue given the countless times the bazaar was closed due to flooding after heavy rains.
Well the new Sunday market is, I must admit, constructed in a well thought out manner. The space between the stalls is ample enough to ensure that people can walk without have to bump into someone after every other step. Also the cross breeze is wonderful as well. The stalls are not the old rickety do-it-yourself ones the venders build themselves every week but permanent concrete ones. And each stall and street is numbered on the side of the huge shades installed above every stall so even if you get lost or go to the bazaar the very first time; you can still find your way.
The labour for hire or ‘Mazdoors’ have been assigned orange and yellow jackets to show that they are verified and approved. The approval process includes verification of the CNIC card of the mazdoor or the CNIC of his father or mother if they are underage. Meaning if you have to hire one then hire one with a jacket as if they get lost then they can be found through the number assigned to them or if they run off with your stuff then they raid his house or something similar. Most of my time in Sunday bazaar is spent fending off the mazdoors who for some reason think a young hot-blooded burly youth like me would not able to carry the stuff he buys to his car parked a few metres away. And they don’t leave me alone even after I decline their offer to carry my stuff; replying with the phrase “Saab, samaan uthaiga/Sir, ill carry your stuff” to which I reply “Zahir si baat hai, tu meri gaddi theek tau nahi karne ayaa na?/Well obviously, you aren’t here to fix my car are you?” If that still does not work then I fall back to the tried and tested “Kuch nahi le raha./Not buying anything.” phrase which does the trick unless they stick around to make sure which makes it very awkward when the vender starts confirming whether I bought 3 kgs of Mangoes or 2 kgs.
Also a new and welcome addition is the extra security which I must say is very vigilant if the venders are to be believed who profess to have seen pickpockets being caught every week. I personally have seen the police mobile leaving the bazaar with pickpockets caught red-handed. Also I have heard from a reliable source (aka mom) how they freaked out when they found an unattended motorcycle inside the bazaar and were on the verge of hauling the bike out of there or calling in the Bomb disposal squad when the owner showed up making excuses about why the bike was where it was.
My sole reason for going all the way to Sunday bazaar is to buy the weekly provisions of fruits and vegetables. And as with all straight and sane men that is exactly what I do. No wandering at the other stalls to check if their tomatoes are better and no roaming the rest of the bazaar to see what is on sale. My testosterone fueled body would not be able to bear the torture and I hope when I marry then it is to a woman who can accept that simple fact.
So every sunday I head straight to the vegetable stall first.
And proceed buying the required produce BUT not without some playful manly lewd jokes like…
Which is where most of the action is. You have Acrobatics!
The gay art of fruit arrangement
And last but not least, speed fruit packing
The fruit stall is very pleasing to the eye with all the colorful fruits adorning every corner you lay your eyes on. Since picking out fruits is a chancy affair meaning you can’t always get sweet fruits; I always make sure to sample the ones I plan to buy. This time the sampling affair was enjoyable as Mangoes are in season.
To sample the fruits I usually head around to the back of the stall..
So finally after I purchase every fruit I can think off, I get to the arduous of haggling with the owner of the stall. But before that I have to get his attention and that is not always easy with so many buyers clamouring for his attention. That is when I go around back and pelt him with seeds of apricots or peaches after which he finally turns around sheepishly apologizing for ignoring me and we get to the haggling. I must say the pelting with seeds is dangerous if your aim sucks as once I hit a lady and ,before she could see where that came from, I was already halfway across the bazaar in the under garments section(and boy did people get the wrong idea when they saw me breathing heavily in the lingerie section).
There is one person that irks me a LOT. I call him the ‘mithi wala/sand ummm wala?’. Why? Because he yells at everyone to come and buy stuff from him. And he pronounces mirchi/green chillies like mithi/sand hence the nickname. If he so much as gets a glimpse of me then I try valiantly to ignore him while he tries to get my attention yelling “BHAIJAN, BHAIJAN, BHAIJAN!!! COME BUY FROM ME!!!”
Also one can always find many wide-eyed foreigners roaming the Bazaar and I usually try to make them feel welcome by not calling the ‘Infidels’ or screaming ‘death to the whites!!’ and by usually buying them some fruit that I notice them eyeing hungrily. But ever since I grew my beard most of them don’t even bother looking at me. Like this one here who appeared out of nowhere while I snapped a picture of the melons. Maybe its cause I look angry all the time? Well can’t help how my face looks like.
Fruits : Bought and packed
Vegetables: Bought and packed
Mithi wala: Looking the other way
Time to leave then…
Please comment and rate.
P.S: All pictures were taken by the author using his new Nokia N86. I tried taking a panoramic shot but people don’t always look where they are walking(plus no-one will obviously stand still) and while trying to take this one someone bumped into me.